Sunday, February 28, 2010

Dictionary of Dating


DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.

SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Definition by experience- simply superb.........

  1. School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.
  2. Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
  3. Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.
  4. Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
  5. Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.
  6. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.
  7. Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
  8. Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
  9. Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
  10. Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
  11. Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
  12. Father: A banker provided by nature.
  13. Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
  14. Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
  15. Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
  16. Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
  17. Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.
  18. Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
  19. Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
  20. Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
  21. Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
  22. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
  23. Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
  24. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
  25. Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise after death

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Google launches Kampala/Entebbe maps


http://www.newvision.co.ug/PA/9/32/710975


Publication date: Wednesday, 24th February, 2010


By Sylvia Nankya


Detailed maps of Kampala and Entebbe are now accessible on Google Maps through any web browser.

The maps can also be accessed on data enabled mobile handsets. They come with both a satellite and a terrain view of the cities. Kenya and South Africa were the first beneficiaries of the Project which has now extended to 29 cities across Africa.


”Google Maps isn't just a searchable digitised maps helping you to find a local place, service or product - it is about

making information with a geographical dimension available to everyone” Rachel Payne Country Manager Google Uganda said recently.


Google believes that more accurate local information can greatly improve the breadth of information available about a

given area and in turn can help efforts to bolster tourism and business investment.

Businesses can also benefit from the Street View technology by embedding Google maps directly into their site for free, helping them to promote a chain of hotels or raise awareness about a local library or restaurant, Payne said.

She added that the service will give tourists a taste of the variety that Uganda offers, and a chance to research their

holidays in advance.


The map data includes a substantial amount of user generated content provided via Google Map Maker.

The Map Maker allows users to locate, draw, label and provide attributes for local map features, such as roads, parks,

or rivers, turning local users into "citizen cartographers."

Payne allays fears that the maps could pose a security threat to the cities. “The Information we are using on Google is

approved and available to every citizen, she said.


This article can be found on-line at: http://www.newvision.co.ug/D/9/32/710975

© Copyright 2000-2010 The New Vision. All rights reserved.

Application for Post of Secretary

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

I´m lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. .

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.


Sinseerly,

……………………………..


PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.


Employer's response:......


Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check you can start today!

CEO

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Only Ugandans....!

BILL Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for
 Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates assembled in a large
 room. One
 candidate was Mapanje a Ugandan living in USA. Bill Gates thanked all the candidates for coming and asking those who do not know JAVA programming to leave, 2000 people left.


Mapanje said to himself, "I do not know JAVA, but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I will give it a try".

Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of
 managing more than 100 people to leave, 2000 people left and
 Mapanje said to himself "I never managed anybody by myself, but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?" So he stayed behind again. 


Then Bill Gates asked candidates who didn't have a
> minimum of a Diploma in Business Management to leave. 500 people left the room. Mapanje said to himself, "I left school at 15, grade 7, but what have I got to lose?" So, he stayed in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serb-Croat to leave. 498 people left the room. 
 Mapanje says to himself, "I do not speak one word of Serb-Croat but
 what do I have to lose?" So he stayed and finds himself with one other candidate.

EVERYONE ELSE HAS GONE. 
 Bill Gates joined them and said, "Apparently you are
 the only two
 candidates who have all the required qualifications &
 experience I am
 looking for and speak Serb-Croat, so I ' d now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.

And...."
 Calmly, Mapanje turned to the other candidate and in a hoarse voice
 said " Ogamba ki musajja?"
 (man how is it?)

The other candidate answered softly but clearly saying
 " Mwana, tuli wano tuyiiya. Ensi nzibu, abaana balina okusoma...! (My friend we are here gambling, life is difficult, yet the kids must go to school)

This is a fictional story showing the ingenuity of Ugandans

Social networking sites used by foreign intelligence services < News Focus | Expatica The Netherlands

Social networking sites used by foreign intelligence services < News Focus | Expatica The Netherlands

Posted using ShareThis

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

How State House money is spent!

.............Wabudeya told the committee, chaired by Gerald Menhya (NRM), that the supplementary budget for the Office of the President would be used to counter terrorism threats............Part of the money, Wabudeya said, would also be used to purchase medals to award to excelling civilians on May 1 and to implement the President’s manifesto.

The extra budget for State House is needed to support senior citizens identified by the President to go for treatment abroad and to finance State House scholarships, she explained. The rest would be used for burial donations and to maintain State House Entebbe.

New Vision, Wednesday 24 February 2010

MP interacts with Ugandans in Amsterdam


Hon. Fred Badda, MP Bujumba, Kalangagala

Last Saturday 20 February 2010, Hon Fred Badda, Member of Parliament (MP) for Bujumba County in Kalangala district, interacted with Ugandans in the Netherlands. The occasion took place at Club Shivoo (Uganda café) in Amsterdam South East at 8.30 pm.


As is our customer, all Ugandans and friends of Uganda introduced themselves to the MP and he in turn introduced himself to us. He told us about himself, his party-the National Resistance Movement (NRM), his constituency, the Uganda parliament and the current political situation in the country presently. Being an interactive session, he requested members present to ask any questions on topical issues that he would try to answer in the best way possible.


Questions ranged from Kabaka’s relationship with the central government, movement versus political parties correlation, incineration of drugs yet there is a shortage in the country to Commonwealth Heads of Government summit meeting (chogm) funds theft. Others included wastage of taxpayers’ money on motorcades of VIPs, universal Primary education (UPE) system, transport to Kalangala, electoral commission and the ever increasing number of districts.

In response Hon Badda assured the Diaspora that the constitution is clear about corruption, that is why parliamentary oversight committees like the Public Accounts Committee (PAC), the Local Government Committee, the statutory bodies committee and the like are all headed by opposition members of parliament. About incineration of medicines, he claimed that in most cases it is those preventive drugs like for Ebola that are destroyed after their ‘use by’ date passes, without there being any outbreak. The government now labels all its drugs making it difficult for them to be stolen and vigilance measures have also been increased.


On UPE, the MP assured us that loopholes were being addressed and that performance had lately improved. As for Kalangala transport, a new ferry was underway which will commute 6 times daily. About the Buganda Kingdom relation with government, the MP said, there has been no other government in history friendlier to the Kabaka as the NRM and that negotiations are proceeding smoothly which will culminate in opening of CBS radio and solving of other existing wrangles.

He reacted to most of the questions in a not so different way from the way the president and most movementists react to wastage of public funds and corruption. That, institutions are in place to tackle those ills including the constitution and penal code, police, Inspector general of Government and auditor general among many others.


The meeting took place in a cordial environment and compared to many visitors hosted here, hon. Badda had a very soft landing.

Need to Poison My Husband

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, I would like to
buy some cyanide. The pharmacist asked, Why in the world do you need
cyanide?

The lady replied, I need it to poison my husband.
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, Lord have mercy!
I cant give you cyanide to kill your husband! Thats against the law!
Ill lose my license! Theyll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad
things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacists wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, Well now. Thats
different. You didnt tell me you had a prescription.

Monday, February 22, 2010

2010 and still counting!


Another year is here, meaning you are growing a year older. Don't be afraid of getting old, look at your self like you've never before.

Be anything or anyone you've ever wanted to be. Even if you've always wanted to look like someone, its not impossible (in some cases!). DREAM!!!

Try and keep away from Facebook, Myspace, Mxit etc. cause you can never be sure of who the person on the other end is or what they are doing etc.


Be more appreciative of others. No man is an island!


If you married, always listen to your wife and whatever else baggage she comes with, OR ELSE!!!


Never loose you determination to achieve your goals!

Never be caught off-guard! (Be ALERT at all times!)


Protect yourself at all times and at all cost! (Never sell yourself short!)

Make new friends.......

Last but not least, Keep warm this winter, you are aware of how cold it has been, so protect whatever is irreplaceable...

I hope these come in handy during 2010! I'm just looking out for ya'll.

I also want to take this opportunity to wish u and your family a blessed year ahead...hope we get to meet again.

Welcome to hell!


One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he meets a demon.

Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon:" Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."

Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"

Demon: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it."

Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"

Guy: "Golly"

Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."

Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."

Guy: "Wow."

Demon: "You like to do drugs?"

Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."

Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"

Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"

Demon: "You gay?"

Guy: "Uh, no."

Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."


Real Bad Day!!

The following is taken from a Florida newspaper

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. When she told them the paramedics started laughing so hard one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle.

A Hilarious Mail from a frustrated victim of chain mails



I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain letters to me in 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007 and 2008 and continuing it in 2009 also.......
2010.

Because of your kindness:


* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.

* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

* Forwarded hundreds of mails but still waiting for FREE DESKTOP, LAPTOP, CAMERA, CELLPHONE etc…..

* I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer...
* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill with calls to Uganda, Pakistan, Singapore and Tokyo...

* I also stopped drinking anything out of a Can for fear that I will get sick from the rat faeces and urine.


*
I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times.... (Poor girl! she's been 7 since 1993...)

* Still open to help somebody from Nigeria who wants to use my account to transfer his uncle's property of $ 100 million. So much trustworthy.
* I have forwarded 35 emails to 400 people hoping that Ericsson or Nokia will send me latest mobile phones but those models are also obsolete now.
*
Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Jesus, Ganesh , Tirupathi Balaji pics etc. Now most of those 'Wishes' are already married (to someone else)

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Application for Romance

Dearest Samantha,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Sunday, the 21st of February 2010. With reference to the meeting held between us on the 21st of February 2010 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.

Our love affair would be on probation for a period of no less than three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.

The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Thanking you in anticipation.

Yours sincerely, Max


MODERN REPLY TO MODERN LOVE LETTER

Dear Max,
Please refer to your letter dated today. I am pleased to inform you that I hope to accept your proposal for romance. However, you should be informed that there are certain conditions of acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my satisfaction. However, please enlighten me as to your retirement benefits.

Gratuity should be generous. I also need to be assured that there is sufficient security with regards to this commitment. If there is any chance at all of retrenchment or consequent disinterest on your part, then I should receive monetary compensation according to union standards.

Due to the nature of my position, I am sure you will agree that an expense account should be arranged for my access in light of the 'VIP'. I shall be entertaining. In addition, housing and transport allowances should be in order and nothing less than a Hummer is in order.

Please also note that there should be no moonlighting restrictions placed on myself. If you are still interested in the relationship, please reply on an urgent basis as other prospective lovers have sent indications of interest.

Please also note that my sister is happily employed.

Yours perhaps,
Samantha!

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