Friday, July 30, 2010

Hard Financial Times

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says: "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy.
Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and asks: "How much?"

She says: "A hundred dollars."

He says: "Shit. All I've got is thirty."

She says: "Hold on."

She runs back to Harry and says: "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

Harry says: "A hand job".

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says: "I'll be right back." She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly: "Harry, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?".

Gal giving directions


A Girl is giving directions to her new boyfriend to get to her apartment.
She says: "You come to the front door of the apartment complex where I live and look for apartment 14A , and with your elbow push button 14A. Come inside and you'll find the elevator on the right. With your elbow hit 14. When you get out of the elevator you'll find my apartment on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell and I'll open the door for you"

The boyfriend says:
"Dear, that sounds very easy to find, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow ?"

"Banange... You're not coming empty-handed, are you

Fool's Day

In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"


The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."


The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."


The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."


The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is
April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."


You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Real men


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Lee Majors

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Al Gore


By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Mike Tyson


The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

George Clooney


I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Bill Clinton


"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

George W. Bush


"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

Rudy Giuliani


"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

Michael Jordan


"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn
t. The third gave me more children!
Donald Trump


Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Shaquille O
Neal

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Kobe Bryant


You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

David Hasselhoff

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Alec Baldwin


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Barack Obama


Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Tommy Lee


A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Brad Pitt


First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Jimmy Kimmel


Honey, what happened toladies first?Husband replies, Thats the reason why the worlds a mess today, because a lady went first!
David Letterman


First theres the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring...soon after....comes Suffer...ing!
Jay Leno

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Bob

Bob and his friend are sitting on front porch admiring the sunset.

Bob has a proud smile on his face when he says, "You know, I don't think there's anyone on this planet I don't know."

His friend looks at him, "What? You're kidding!"

Bob says, "No. I think I know just about everybody."

Bob's friend says, "I bet you don't know the governor."

"George? Yeah, I know ol' George, as a matter of fact, I'm having dinner with him Tuesday. Why don't you come along?"

They show up at the governor's mansion Tuesday, Governor Bush opens up the door himself. "Hey, Bob! How are ya doin'? Come on in!"

Bob's friend is quite impressed, but still not convinced Bob knows everybody. A few days later he tells Bob. "I bet you don't know Bruce Springsteen."

"Bruce? Sure I know the Boss! We used to hang out together in Jersey!"

"Bob, I don't believe you. I think you're lying to me."

"No, really," Bob responds, "In fact, he's putting on a show tomorrow night. Lets go."

Bob and his friend make their way up to front row. Bruce Springsteen looks down and says, "I'd like to dedicate this next song to my good friend Bob here."

The friend is getting totally freaked by now. He is determined to find someone Bob doesn't know. A couple of weeks later, Bob is once again sitting on the porch with that proud smile on his face, when his friend pulls up in the driveway, jumps out of the car and says, "Aha! You don't know the Pope!"

"The Pope? Sure I know ol' John Paul!"

"You're lyin', Bob! I don't believe you!"

"I'll prove it to you," Bob says.

So they fly over to the Vatican. Bob's friend stands near the front of the crowd waiting for the Pope to come out on the balcony. Soon the Pope appears before the thousands of people in the crowd. Sure enough, right behind him comes Bob. Standing next to the Pope and waving at the crowds. After a bit Bob looks down and sees his friend passed out on the ground. He runs down to the street to his friend and says, "Hey, you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay. I was standing here in shock when all of a sudden a guy leans towards me and says, 'Hey, who's that standing next to Bob?'"

Montreal Comedy Festival Quotes

- (On going to war over religion:) "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend."


- "I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know."


- (On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars."


- "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'"


- "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'"


- "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'"


- "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."


- "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."


- "My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading."


- "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."


- "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."


- "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,'Thyroid problem?'"


- "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."


- "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."


- "Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'"


- "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."


- "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."


- "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."


- "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."


Newspapers are reporting that the head of BP had an affair with a married woman which led to her divorce.

Yet another example of BP reckless drilling.

- Jay Leno –

Darwin Award Candidates

BUXTON, N.C. A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach on the Outer Banks used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, Va., but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. You just wouldn't believe the outpouring of concern, people digging with their hands, using pails from kids," Dare County Sheriff Bert Austin said.




In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, Calif., as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the large flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) crammed against the base of his skull as he hit the floor.



According to police in Dahlonega, Ga., ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.


Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del., as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.



In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.




In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off of a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.




In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing headfirst through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.




In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near Ozark, Ark., after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.




Darwin Award Wanna-be’s


In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.




In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.




Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, N. J., in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2a.m., the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.




Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one participant, "It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand morons."

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